Fall down 7,999 times... Stand up 8 (thousand +++)
The last time I posted I had just started my next competition prep... I had huge ambitions of hitting the stage again, writing frequently, studying and obtaining my personal training certification, starting a part-time business in my free time, and of course, an engagement to my fiance and eventually a wedding. Well, about 3 days into week 2 of my prep my world came crashing down... again. My fiance decided to end our engagement - because he decided he did not like children, and did not want them to be in his life in anyway (he has 3 children, mind you, that live in other states) - and since I am the mother to a wonderful 7 year old girl... that means I got the boot. I was heartbroken, humiliated, furious, and for the first time in my life scared. The reason I was scared was because I completely gave up my safety net for him.... Something I had NEVER done before. I quit my 15+ career in EMS, moved myself and my daughter across state lines to be with him, and sold everything I owned (including my car) and deposited the money into "our" account.... Only to be kicked to the curb 3 months later. WTF?! Unfortunately for him (and myself), since I gave up everything I had worked my entire life for to be with him, because I trusted him, we are still living in the same house until I can get back on my feet. He says he'll help me in anyway he can, but has yet to do that... I am hesitant to trust him because of the aforementioned actions of his... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.... But that's another story...
After the initial break up, at first I was paralyzed by fear... Fear because this man was NOT the man I fell in love with that promised to stand by me through anything, fear because I had no freaking clue how the hell I was going to support myself and my child now that I didn't have a job, and fear of the uncertainty of my future. I hated myself for doing this to my daughter. Not only did I jeopardize our financial well-being, but I let her get attached to a man that would (again) disappoint her in life... "WTF am I doing to this kid?!" was a constant theme going through my head. I am still struggling with all of this... the guilt, the fear, the heartache... all of it, but I am finally to a point where I am looking to the future. I want to be independent again. Until 4 months ago, I had never relied on anyone for anything before. I was always the breadwinner in my past relationships. So, to give up my job and my independence was a huge source of anxiety for me, and unfortunately this time it backfired. This was scarier than the divorce from her father... At that time I had no idea how to be a single parent, but at least I knew I could support us financially. I eventually got my single parenting skills in order, and I think I did a pretty good job at it... So, I decided it was time to find someone to share my life with, and be a family with. I knew I could take care of her on my own, and do it well, but I wanted to show her how a man should treat a woman, and how a happy, healthy, and stable relationship should look like... And it was, until I moved, and then it wasn't. I can't undo the damage that has been done, but I can be a role model to my daughter (and myself) and pick up the pieces, persevere, and be better than I was before. Yes, I gave up my safety net of my job, but in reality, I wasn't living up to my full potential there anyway. I started working as an EMT when I was 21 years old, and that's where I pretty much peaked professionally. Yes, I did later go on to get my Bachelor's degree, but I never used it. I kept saying "someday" I'll get out of this job and do something else, but "someday" never came. I was stuck. So, I am looking at this otherwise devastating situation as a new opportunity in life to live up to my full potential. That's the best thing I can do. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I try my best to look at the positive things even in the most dire situations. So, I am continuing to study for my personal training certification and should, hopefully, be done within the next couple of weeks. Then, I am starting my new career endeavor using the knowledge that I have obtained to help people live a healthy lifestyle, as I work my way to becoming financially independent again and supporting myself and my daughter - something I have always taken pride in. I have re-applied to be re-instated on the ambulance PRN, which is fine. I do miss certain aspects of that job, but I know my future is somewhere else. After doing that job for 15 years, I realized I was trapped there. I had attempted to better myself by going to college, but after working there so many years, my life was built around that schedule and the pay (even though it was terrible)... so it became constricting, and I became stagnant... EMS will be a good side gig, and will help me get back on my feet... But I am using this opportunity to grow myself personally, as well as professionally and financially, by expanding my horizons and pursuing other opportunities. I don't know exactly what those opportunities are at the moment, but I know they are out there. Right now I feel like a trapeze artist that jumped from her VERY TINY platform she had been standing on for 15 years. I caught the swinging bar, but my trapeze partner decided to take his chances and jump off without me - instead of grabbing my hands and swinging me to the next platform with him like he promised he would do... So, now I'm just swinging... I have a choice - try to make it back to that tiny, little platform behind me that I stood on for the last 15 years, or do I grab the next swinging bar to swing me towards the new, unknown, but bigger platform I can see off in the distance. I don't know what that new one holds for me, but I do know that the last one was constricting, left no room for advancement, and kept me stationary in my life... My safety net may be gone, but I know eventually I'm going to get tired of just swinging here or even grasping on to the last pole I had become accustomed to, and eventually I'll fall anyways... So, I'm choosing to go for it. Now. I'm grabbing that next bar on my own, and swinging into the future. It's scary as hell, but it's also exhilarating.
I don't know what my future holds exactly, but I know that the best way to find out is for me to create it. I know I am facing an uphill battle of challenges, but I know that how we face challenges is what proves who we really are deep inside - a fighter or a coward. You can either face obstacles head-on and overcome them, or you can retreat and live your life without really "living". I've done both in my life, and I know from past experience that the person I become when barrel through that mountain of impossible challenges is a person I'm proud of. I've been her before, I will be her again. I can't undo all the damage this whole scenario will cause my daughter, and it will take a long time to recover from it - both her and I, but the least I can do is show her how to pick myself back up after I fall... Brush off that dust, and keep pushing forward. Because life doesn't stop for a broken heart, and we all make bad decisions in life... I will undoubtedly make many more in my lifetime.
The key is to learn from those mistakes, and not keep repeating them... and look for the silver lining to those storm clouds... and forgive myself for not being perfect. (that's the hardest part for me) I have a lot of healing to do personally, but my number one priority is taking care of my daughter... So, I'm sprinting through, head first, pushing every obstacle out of my way, and I will be the strong person and mother I know I can be. I will be proud of myself again, and I hope someday she will be proud of me too. I am a fighter.